Turning an honest penny?

There has been a care home in our area for many years. Some residents leave it on foot and risk crossing the road to the newsagent or the supermarket, though constant traffic, mostly exceeding the speed limit, make this a hazardous undertaking.


Recently, two new businesses have opened nearby. The first is a funeral undertaker, who has spotted an obvious  market niche as people entering the home by the front door tend to leave by the back.


The second was more unexpected, an outfit offering to pamper us all, both in mind and body. My wife suspected this might be a front for a house of ill repute, catering entirely for the body and letting the mind go hang. But it transpires that the business is, how shall we say, ‘straight up’.


This may be seen by the special offers they post from time to time on a swinging metal board on the pavement outside; for example, holistic massage with mineral salts. But the current one takes the biscuit (holistic biscuits, no doubt, offered with a glass of Madeira). And what was this special offer, I hear you ask? A Jurassic Mud Foot Soak!

I took the photograph on a Sunday when the shop was closed, so avoiding the risk that the staff would rush out and drench me in patchouli oil or ylang ylang. Had it been open, I would have been tempted to wander in, assume the innocent expression of the aged and infirm, and ask where they sourced their supplies of Jurassic mud. I mean, who falls for this sort of thing?

Will the business last? I have no idea, but will keep you posted if I live long enough.

8 thoughts on “Turning an honest penny?

  1. Care homes. Just. Groan. Take your house, and then oddly when you run out of money you die shortly afterwards …
    Plus I had a run-in with one who owned a chain when I was working in the NHS. Nasty piece of work he was.
    Was that previously a school? Looks like a nice old school building.

  2. There have been several cases in England recently of care homes banning relatives from visiting because of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. What this usually meant was that relatives were complaining about poor standards of care, which is clearly unreasonable.

    The building was previously a reform school for boys who had got into trouble with the authorities – but that is going back a long way.

  3. One daughter decided that enough was enough and had a mini camera installed in her father’s ‘care’ facility. She was right. Footage showed appalling treatment by a nurse sadistically smothering him with a pillow and poking spoons deep in his mouth.

    As for the funeral directors, it is a never ending source of fascination how people take out insurance in case there is not enough money for the funeral. I mean, who cares at that late stage?

    The sobbing wife is shown a booklet having to make choices of caskets and shiny fittings for her dearly departed Bob. The recommendation of the ‘Mount Calvary’ model, the different flower arrangements. He, the funeral director, will most likely have the line ‘ these are difficult times’ ready at each outburst.

    Of course, there is also the possibility that the wife is not grieving at all. I remember Mrs. Chapman loudly exclaiming; “Thank God he is gone, the miserable bastard.”

    • I don’t know about the insurance business. Maybe they sell plans on a ‘pay at today’s prices’ line. As for care homes, there will surely be some good ones, but my idea is to wander out into the snow, tunnel in and depart in peace.

  4. What a diverse business opportunities – I really think you should go and ask them about the jurassic mud! Even have the treatment and report back to us! As for care home, society seems to becoming awash with them…then read the sad stories as they’re closed under dire circumstances.

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